A Light Inside the Horizon- Memories of a Mental Hospital

Putred green walls caving in on me. A dainty little girl screaming loudly in her room. Just like everywhere else, the adults didn't understand. They didn't even go to check on Melissa who was still bawling inside her room. They thought she was crazy because she saw things that werent really there. Were all of us kids crazy? Just because we'd prefer to die than to live?

I'd been feeling this way for most of my life. It was like carrying a thousand pound killer whale on your back. Each morning I'd wake up and wonder what the point of getting out of bed was. All I really wanted to do was crawl into a ball and never wake up.

Depression isnt something you can just snap out of. It takes away everything you hold most dear. It had taken my life right out from underneath me. I was only left to watch it dwindle away. That was why I was here. This was how I met Melissa. Inside of the hospital, we were all enclosed in a quagmire.

I walked down the long hallway. Dark shadows following me in my footsteps. "Melissa?" I asked tapping gently on her weathered door.

"Who is it?" She shrieked. I could hear the tears in her voice. She sounded so disconcerted. This was so unfair for her. She was only ten at the time and already she had been sent to the nut house. Let me tell you that no one knows how bad those place are until you've actually been trapped inside one for yourself. It's a memory I know I'll never be able to forget.

"It's Jess, Melissa. Can I come in?"

I heard her door creak open and slipped quietly inside. The kids in this hospital werent allowed into other people's rooms, but she seemed so helpless I didnt know what else to do. Before I could say anything, Melissa hooked her arms around my neck and buried her face into my shoulder.

"Dont let them get me, Jess. They'll hurt me. Why wont they just leave me alone?" Her voice was trembling. Tears spilling from her closed eyes.

"I wont let them get you Melissa. I promise. It's going to be okay. It's alright." I held her until her cries started to fade away and her breathing returned back to normal. "Are they gone now?" I asked, glancing around the dark room.

Melissa raised her head nervously. Her dark eyes stayed closed for a while. "I cant hear them," she breathed, opening one eye slowly. "They're gone," she said, scrutinizing the room gradually.

I slowly led Melissa back to her bed and tucked her inside. Her dark hair sprawled out from underneath her head.

"I hate this place," Melissa yawned. "I hate it more than anything. I'd rather be dead."

Melissa's voice echoed through my head, sending a chill up my spine. "I know Melissa. I know. I wish I were too." Tears started to burn in my eyes, threatening to overflow.

"What are you in here for, Jess?" Melissa asked worriedly. I knew Melissa said she saw dead people, but I'd not told anyone what was wrong with me. Did I really want a little girl to know the truth? Was she too young? Was I ready to tell someone?

"Suicide." I answered flatly. "I'm in here for suicide watch." I felt Melissa sit up on her bed. Her huge brown eyes staring back into my own.

"But why would you want to kill yourself? You're so pretty. I want to be just like you when I'm older." Her eyes looked back up at mine earnestly.

I couldnt help but laugh at Melissa's response. I wasnt pretty. I wasnt anything special. I was just an unfeeling person who was torn up inside. I knew I was too broken to ever be repaired. "Your pretty too, Melissa. I wish I was more like you."

"It'll be okay though right? In the end?" Melissa's voice sounded so hopeful, it made a fresh set of tears pour into my eyes.

"I hope so Melissa. I sure hope so." I gently squeezed her hand and started to slip out of her bedroom.

"Thank you Jessica," she whispered from behind me.

I paused midstep. "For what?" I asked, puzzled.

"You made them go away. Now I can finally get some sleep." She struggled to fight a yawn as she spoke.

"No problem. Good night Melissa," I whispered, but she was already asleep.

Now that I'm back home from the mental hospital, depression still overpowers my life. But whenever I feel alone, I think of Melissa. Of how she believed everything would be alright in the end. Each time, her voice and my family are enough for me to carry on. Everyone can overcome their own obstacles. All you have to do is find that little glimmer of hope inside of you, no matter how small. Maybe someday you'll see that light at the end of the darkness. I will carry on to see that day rise inside the horizon.

The Outside

Outside I smile,
Outside I laugh;
Inside I lie,
Inside I die.

Tears falling from behind closed eyes,
A heavy heart lost inside it's grief;
You no longer see me for who I am,
You just see me through the outside.

Tears

Tears of hurt,
Tears of pain,
Tears of emptiness
Stream down her face.

Tears of sorrow,
Tears of loss,
Tears of all that has been lost.

Tears fall silently,
No one will ever know,
Where her pain came from,
Or where she will go

Another Lie

It's all a lie,
Completely fake;
It just covers up the pain inside.

Broken down,
Torn and weathered;
I am so afraid
The pain will never go away.

Am I Alone?

Depression is being surrounded by people but feeling all alone,
Depression is being in the sun but only seeing the darkness,
Depression is feeling so hurt that all you feel is numb,
Depression is eating yourself alive until you no longer know who you are;
This is what I've become,
Does anyone understand?